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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Been thinking and struggling. . .

Earlier today I received some news that we have now lost another child who was a member of our Infantile Spasms community (he was only 4 years old) - which caused me to flash back our son's passing -

I have been struggling these past few days - like yesterday - I just began to cry while driving down a road. The night our son left us keeps flashing in my memory after hearing we just another member's son. I keep replaying it step by step. Getting the phone call around 10 pm while sleeping with my oldest son - and picking up the phone only to hear that Brextin has taken a turn for the worst and that he was being placed on a breathing machine and that I needed to get to MN as soon as possible. I then quickly called my daycare provider who came over right away to help comfort me and to take my oldest son with her. (she only lives 4 blocks away) Then I called my parents and my in-laws to fill them in - my mom and dad came and got me and we quickly drove to the cities. On my way there I called every pastor that I knew and left messages asking for prayers then I started to text everyone I knew asking for even more prayers - I then received a call from Andy telling me that he was getting his color back and everything was improving. So I started to calm down. Then once we got to the hospital the ER has a special lock down so I had to push an intercom asking to get in to be rushed to the PICU - there was another family who arrived at the same time - their father just had a heart attack - we were able to hug each other for support (a total stranger) then once I got to the floor I heard a child who was babbling just like Brextin did and I thought everything was ok - until the nurse directed me to the only "glass" room in the unit - then I walked in to notice my husband holding our son- (who I thought was sleeping) only to glance up and notice my husbands eyes were totally bloodshot and that is when he said - "we have lost him" I quickly fell to the floor and just screamed - how could I have missed saying good bye to our son!! Especially since he was bouncing and babbling just the day before and even sucking on his fingers - where did everything turn ugly?? Then shortly after my parents entered the room as well - while I was holding our son with a breathing tube in his mouth (unconnected) and I had to tell them - we were too late to say our good byes - it was so painful to say those words! I even wore my shirt that read "Love and Hope for Brextin" in hopes of everything being ok - I continue to have save the same shirt since my son's blood remains on it and I will never wash it -

For some reason - I thought by me sharing or venting my story out one more time would give me peace - ooh how I miss my little guy - I sure do miss him this holiday season - oh how I miss him!!

We will be attending a local event tomorrow night - it actually a national event (World Wide) - at 7:00 pm tomorrow it is encouraged that everyone lights a candle in memory of the many children who have lost their lives so soon - I ask for anyone who is reading this right now - please please light a candle in remembrance of all of our children - thank you so much!


  1. Oh, Randi, this brought tears to my eyes. I do think writing can be healing, to let your feelings and emotions out and not hold them in. I pray for peace for you and you are often in my thoughts. Much love, Lisa

  2. Oh my dear. That must have been very difficult to write. Someday I will write about the day we lost the "old" Cici, although we gained a "new" Cici. But I'm not ready. So I applaud you - I am thinking of you this holiday season. Hugs.

  3. Randi,
    I think of you and Andy often. I still pray for Brextin and you and your family every Sunday in Church. For God to be taking good care of Brextin and for you so God continues to give you strength. I read this blog often but do not post to it because sometimes I just do not have words to help you heal so I send prayers and thoughts your way instead. I can not say anything that will take the pain away. I know because I just had a week where I cried because of losing my nephew Zachariah 1 1/2 years ago. I can only tell you to continue to stay strong and to keep Brextins memories alive. Take care and lots of love, Denise Parker